I’m not scared of dying. I just want to live a life that is admirable and full. There are so many people who have been dead for such a long time and their lives are still written about, that’s the kind of life I want. One worth writing about. I want to leave some kind of imprint on the world and in a good way.
I don’t fear dying myself, it’s inevitable and once it’s happened, I won’t even know it so there’s nothing to fear. Fearing the inevitable is futile; it doesn’t make it stop or change. It’s still going to happen no matter how scared I am or how much I don’t want it to.
A few days ago I was thinking about a friend of mine who I am very close to but rarely see. I thought about another friend who’s best friend died and wondered what I’d do in that situation, how I’d feel, how I’d cope. Loss is not something that eludes me but losing somebody to death does quite a bit. Distant relatives have passed away, friends of friends, celebrities but never anybody I’ve loved or been very close to and that scares me. The thought that they’d be gone. That close friend would just be gone and would leave behind nothing but memories and remnants of his life. If I needed somebody, I couldn’t call him, I couldn’t wish him back, I couldn’t do anything really. That scared me. Death is irreversible. It also scares me that it’s something I wouldn’t be equipped to deal with. It’d be an entirely new experience to me and my usual coping techniques wouldn’t be enough.
On a final note, I don’t think a dead body means a dead soul, spirit or person. I think it’s just a body and we live on a lot longer than we realise. A year before I was born, my great uncle (who was pretty old at the time) died. Still, to this day, my family have stories to tell about him. His memory has outlived him and the things he taught my family have stuck with them even after his passing and I think that’s what I mean when I say I want to be remembered. I want to be worth remembering 22 years later. I want to make a mark on the world and be the best version of myself in order to do so.