There’s No Time For Us, There’s No Place For Us//Journal

I have never really dreamt of having children. Romance, a steady home and job of my dreams, yes. Children? Not so much. I don’t dislike children, I have just never been interested. I’ve thought that maybe if I’ve travelled a lot and seen a lot of live shows in the next 10 years, I’ll probably change my mind. If my mind was changed in the future, I’d probably settle down with them. A boy and a girl. Dylan and Caitlin. OK so I thought about it a little but not really as much as I’ve thought of other aspirations.

A few months ago I posted on here about a diagnosis I was waiting for. I had my operation, it went fine but I was told that I do in fact have Endometriosis and it’s covering most of my womb and bowel. Because of this, my womb is quite damaged and it’s unlikely I’ll ever be able to conceive. I have a few years left of possibly being able to conceive but I would likely miscarry and the chances of me getting to a full term pregnancy are very slim.  When I was first told, I think I went into shock  because although I did cry, I wasn’t as bothered as I should have been. I said that I’d rather it happened to me than a woman who had always wanted children and given that I never have, who better to suffer from this if anyone must?

So, now I’m left with the decision of do I try for children? Do I take the risk of suffering through a miscarriage? Do I put my dreams on hold for a while? Most of the time, most days, I reach the conclusion that I’m not going to. I really don’t want to risk the agony of a miscarriage and I really don’t feel that I’m anywhere close to a place where having children would be a good idea.  It’s not a decision that has to be made straight away but it’s still quite pressing. A decision I didn’t expect to make and that will change my life regardless of what I choose has forced itself in and it’s left me a little shaken to say the least.

So, I won’t be having children. Not naturally, anyway. It’s broken my heart but I know it’s for the best. I’m more perplexed by the lack of choice to do it in ten years time. That it’s pretty much decided for me. This disease that I have no control over has taken away one of my decisions for my future and that’s a hard thing to deal with. There’s nobody to be angry at, nobody to blame. It is what is and even if I could blame people, it wouldn’t cure me.

It’s taken me 7 weeks to write this post because, well, I wanted to wait until I was ready. I knew I’d write about it at one point as that’s what I do. I don’t mind it being public and don’t think my decision or diagnosis are anything to be ashamed of. I’m a selectively secretive person, like most people and this is something I’m now fine with sharing. I have another operation ahead of me which will remove the Endometriosis tissue. It will come back at some point but until then, I’ll have my life back. I’ll be able to do a lot of the things I want to do without worrying how I’ll feel that day. Endometriosis has taken over my life for a lot of years and having it back is going to be pretty amazing.

That’s the silver lining really, I will be doing what I want to do. I’ll be experiencing life fully again. I’m planning on seeing France next summer, hopefully living with a family who I’ll be teaching English. I plan on going back into education and I intend to go to on holiday with Gavin and later on, two of my best friends. If none of that works out, I’ll be fine. I’ll still see live shows, I’ll still get to do what I love even if I don’t leave the country.

So, despite being in a slight state of distress, I’m hopeful. I’m not suffering from anything fatal and I’m not far from full recovery, that’s quite a lot to be happy about. If all else fails, I have my cats. I am surrounded by love, I have a family that love me, I have close, real friends and I have my boyfriend. They make everything a little easier.