I went to three different primary schools, two secondary schools, tried my luck in four colleges, moved from a city to a town and back to a different city and have moved home nineteen times. I have lost a whole side of a family at once, dropped friends for no good reasons and until March, never found a job I was happy in. I am a creature of change and any familiarity used to scare me senseless. I would create change so that I could be in control of the situation as I felt that nothing stuck. Friends, homes, courses, partners- I didn’t see these things as ever being consistent so I cut the ties on my own terms. Not healthy. Not something I do any more. My life is, dare I say it, pretty stable now. I have the same friends I’ve had for a few years, the same partner I’ve had for five years, the same home for three years (I’m about to move but shh) and now a job I feel absolutely settled in. Rather than feeling scared or overwhelmed, I think I finally got where I needed to be and I think my parents might actually be sleeping these days rather than worrying about their slightly erratic daughter.
Thing is, when change is consistent and any kind of happiness feels like it is absolutely fleeting, there’s no comfort zone. I have read countless articles on escaping this so-called comfort zone and all I ever thought was man, I’d do anything to have a comfort zone. I’ve spent most of my life feeling on the edge of losing anything good and understanding that nothing I loved would stay.
I remember hearing Space Oddity when I was around 17 and identifying with it so, so strongly. I can’t speak on behalf of David Bowie but for me, the song is about being a weird one, an oddball experiencing a new environment and a heightened sense of “I’m the weirdo here” and to me, that’s the closest thing I have or have ever had to a “comfort zone”. Feeling like everything is a million miles outside of where you are and no matter what the environment, feeling like an outsider. A terrified outsider.
When I started in my new job, I felt absolutely like Major Tom. For the first time though, in a very good way. I was scared and of course generally nervous but I was mostly hopeful and delighted. I always try to tell people when they’re going through hard times that they will eventually pass. Not because the universe is on their side and not because fate will find a way but because that’s how life is. I have applied it to dramatic and traumatic events in my life but I never thought to apply it to my life in general. Things can’t always be scary and things can’t always be teetering on the edge of disaster. Sometimes, things work out. Because that’s how life is. And hard work pays off. Passion goes a long way. It’s nice to feel happy and not scared. It’s incredible to feel hopeful again.
And hey, it’s actually kinda fun being an oddball.
The stars look very different, today.